NOW GRID-TIED

From the Office of Civic Digestion — a report to the American home. Effective immediately, every toilet in the service territory is a grid-tied appliance. Enrollment is automatic, and participation is presumed. No action is required. Do not decouple your fixture from the main. The meter records the household's daily contributions. Sustained underperformance — fewer than the seasonally adjusted minimum — is reported to CommodeNet within one business day. When a Demand Defecation event is declared, enrolled residents take seated priority. Guests are asked to wait. At dusk, the American family serves the grid from home. The Office does not process requests for withdrawal. The full findings are on file at literalshitposts dot com. Your cooperation has already been recorded.