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From the Municipal Desk

The Mayor Pardons Fourteen Unauthorized Flushes

The Mayor, with the Office of Civic Digestion, pardons fourteen flushes made against the seated-priority schedule during the last Stage 2 Conservation Alert.

A municipal proclamation bearing the joined seals of the Office of the Mayor and the Office of Civic Digestion, an ornate ribboned scroll with a wax seal listing a column of fourteen pardoned entries, beneath a banner reading FOURTEEN FLUSHES FORGIVEN.

Office of the Mayor In concurrence with the Office of Civic Digestion

Proclamation No. 2026-14 · Effective July 12, 2026

WHEREAS, on the morning of the last Stage 2 Digestive Conservation Alert, the Municipal Fart Grid stood at the edge of its operating band; and

WHEREAS, fourteen residents, in that hour, flushed without authorization, contrary to the seated-priority schedule then in force; and

WHEREAS, each of the fourteen has since stood before the Emissions Accounting Desk, acknowledged the flush, and shown cause; and

WHEREAS clemency, exercised sparingly, is itself an instrument of civic order;

NOW, THEREFORE, I, the Mayor, by the authority vested by the Residential Digestive Contribution Act, do proclaim as follows:

  1. The fourteen flushes are pardoned in full. Each is enumerated in the attached docket. The record will show the flush, and beside it the word forgiven, in that order.

  2. The pardon reaches the flush, not the fixture. Each resident remains enrolled, metered, and subject to the schedule going forward. Clemency is not exemption.

  3. Restitution stands satisfied. The residents have contributed, on a compensating schedule, the load their flushes withdrew. The grid is whole. The ledger is even.

  4. This clemency is singular. It applies to the fourteen flushes named, and to no flush before them and no flush after. A pardon is a door the Office opens once and closes behind you.

A ruled docket listing fourteen numbered clemency entries, each with a case reference and a district and a final column marked pardoned.
Fig. 1 —The docket, as attached to the proclamation. Fourteen entries, fourteen stamps, one door.

Let it be known that the Municipal Fart Grid keeps a longer memory than any single administration, and that mercy, where it is granted, is granted by name and recorded forever. The fourteen are forgiven. They are also, now and always, on the list of the forgiven. Proclaimed this twelfth day of July.