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From the Municipal Desk

A Better America Through Organized Defecation

The Office of Civic Digestion announces the commencement of the National Contribution Program, coordinating the daily output of the American home into a scheduled civic resource.

A national civic poster beneath the embossed seal of the Office of Civic Digestion, a map of the United States crossed by orderly contribution lines converging on a central grid, over a banner reading A BETTER AMERICA

Office of Civic Digestion

Notice No. CD-2026-0712 · Effective July 12, 2026

Pursuant to the Residential Digestive Contribution Act, the Office of Civic Digestion announces the commencement of the National Contribution Program. For the first time, the daily output of the American home will be scheduled, coordinated, and directed as a single national resource. The program requires no new appliance and no new tax. It requires only that the nation, which has always contributed, now contribute together.

The case for coordination is arithmetic. Disorganized — delivered at the whim of the individual citizen, at all hours and to no schedule — the national contribution overwhelms the grid at dawn, starves it by midmorning, and is very largely lost. Organized into ranked windows, that same contribution is projected to return a steady civic yield sufficient to light more than four hundred thousand American homes, every day, from output that is presently wasted for want of a timetable.

A bar chart with a short faded bar for disorganized output beside a tall bright bar for organized output, with small lit houses along the top of the taller bar.
Fig. 1 —The yield recovered by coordination alone. The homes are drawn to scale.

Citizens are directed to observe the following:

  1. Learn your ward color. Every household has been assigned one of four ward colors, each corresponding to a ranked daily contribution window. Your color has already been mailed to you.

  2. Contribute within your window. Deliver your daily contribution during your assigned window wherever practicable. Off-window contribution is accepted but is not credited toward your neighborhood's standing.

  3. Hold for the peak. When the grid signals a Demand Defecation event, all ward colors yield seated priority to the called color. The call is brief. The nation is grateful.

  4. Attend Soup Night. Coordinated intake produces coordinated output. Households are urged to align their evening meal with the civic calendar; the schedule works best when the nation eats as one.

The National Contribution Schedule is reproduced below for posting in the home.

A timetable poster dividing the day into four contribution windows by ward color, with ranks of citizens queued beneath each column.
Fig. 2 —The National Contribution Schedule. Your ward color determines your window.

Participation is universal. Exemptions are medical, are reviewed, and are rare. The Office thanks the American home for its output, which has always been generous and will now, at last, be on time.

Your cooperation has already been scheduled.